fish.

These are today's words of wisdom from Dr. Dog:

"How can it be that a fish in the sea could feel like it's completely alone?

The world may never know."

Truth is expressed through many different media... I have an affinity for finding Truth in song lyrics.  This quote is from Dr. Dog's song "The World May Never Know," and it struck me today as I was sitting around, not doing much (a favorite Saturday pastime).  I've recently been studying the effects of technology, namely the internet, on the social behaviors of children and teens for one of my classes, and one theme that continually arises is people's need for community.  Many people look for fulfillment in trying to find a niche online, but there are so many others who either are looking for community and aren't being accepted or people who may not even recognize a need for others.

The truth is, no one is living this life alone. Just as there is no fish alone in the sea (thank you Dr. Dog), no person goes about their life without leaving an impact on others and being impacted by those around them.

It's one of the greatest struggles among Christians.  We are here to reach the broken, whether they be among the church body or outside of it. Christ following people are called to be in relationship with others. Without others, we are nothing, and that is exactly why Jesus commanded us to "love others," reminded us of how "iron sharpens iron," and that we should 'treat others as we wish to be treated.'  

We will not be truly alive until our lives are working in harmony for the purposes of God.  We must depend on each other, seek out accountability, build community, and love beyond ourselves.

It hurts me to know how many people feel alone. We've all been there at one time or another, and we all seem to end up trying to fill our souls with something. 

There is only One who can fill that void. 

There is only One place to turn.

There is only One true love.

Oh Father let us never forget!

ekklesia.

I don't know what it is about us young folk that creates a near phobia of the word "church," especially much of the crowd I tend to run with, and I think many people have been there in general. It's just one of those words I wish could start over and do what I do on a bad day, just go back to sleep, wake up, take a shower, and start the day again... it usually works wonders. But, seeing as how culture, and unfortunately, even the church itself continues to taint the meaning of the term, I suppose we're left with a bit of a predicament. 

Sure, we can call it different things if we want, but eventually we all end up talking about 'going to church.'

Maybe the best approach is to start changing the body, and let the word follow in step.  Let's start living love and being genuine in the interactions we have with people around us, people who are members of the body and especially people who are not. Let's surprise someone with our grace, our kindness, our mercy, and our self control... not because we brag about it, but because they can't help but notice. Maybe if the body of Christ looked like that, we wouldn't be so embarrassed to be a part of the church. Maybe the widely touted, yet disappointing, minority of televangelism scandal and right wing radicalism would began to wane in the waxing light of Truth.

Henri Nouwen writes in Working the Angles about the ease with which many pastors are able to 'fake it' as true spiritual leaders in their respective congregations, and I think, in many ways, it's starting to show in so many communities.  Years of lost and broken people following shallow leaders who are ministering out of routine has caused a rift in the church between an active pursuit of Christ and "being a Christian" (another tainted term).  

I'm not sure where it went wrong, but so many of us have seen it. We all know a pastor or two who seem to have gotten into ministry for all the right reasons and ended up sticking with it because they were either unqualified to do anything else, or it's just the only thing they knew to do with themselves.

Now, I don't say any of this out of self-righteousness or to say I have never fallen victim to the very same foe, but only to draw attention to one of the silent killers of Christian culture. We must all keep in mind the ways in which Satan will subvert our good intentions in order to thwart God's good work on earth. Therefore, we must accept a call to stretch beyond easy ministry and strive for something that is much more inconvenient. And I'm not even sure I have the words for what that is, but it has something to do with truth, passion, discipline, and prayer.

Let us keep working until we are truly one body before God with one passion and purpose, to be like Christ and actively participate in his kingdom.

balance.

Sometimes I have to wonder how God feels about the university system... other times I wonder how God feels about the excuses I make because I am in it.

Nonetheless, I have to wonder if there is something wrong with the amount of time and energy I pour into studying and taking classes over the time I am allowed to be focused on my spiritual formation.  Even when many of the classes I take are about the Bible, the church, or spirituality, is that practical? Am I really accomplishing things in the name of God, or am I just preparing for a time when I will be working in God's name?

I often wonder how much of my university experience is spent on preparation for ministry as opposed to actual ministry. 

Don't get me wrong... I know I am not yet qualified to be a full-time minister with a paid position at a church. I have a lot to learn. But with all the time I owe to studying, classes, and the occasional few hours of sleep, how do I allot the remaining portion of my time?

It could be argued that I have learned just as much in the past two and a half years from the amazing people in my life as I have learned from the classes I have taken. In no way do I consider that a failure on behalf of my teachers or the curriculum, but rather, a testament to what it means to live in community with God's people.

Because of this, I have to wonder even more... where does my free time go?

Is it not more important to build or create relationships in the name of community than to spend time researching for a paper or reading books? And what about when the books are good for me too? What about when all I need to do is sit down and pray, read Scripture, or even relax?

Unfortunately, I don't think there are answers to be rendered from these questions just yet, so I must continue to strive for some kind of healthy balance in my life.

God in your infinite grace and wisdom, grant me peace. Peace to know that I am yours, peace to know that you are my everything. Teach me to love like you love, and open up my eyes to what you are calling me towards each day. Amen.

beginnings.

I decided that it may be best to state a purpose for this blog/journal. We like for things to have a purpose. We like to have a purpose.

The main reason for this blog stems from my class load this semester containing one class which requires regular journaling and one class which requires regular blogging. So this will be a bit of both of those things.

However, I decided in the naming process (a surprisingly long and difficult process) what the main purpose of this blog should be, thanks in large part to my dear friend, Mr. Sufjan Stevens.

"Oh God, Where Are You Now? (Pickeral Lake? Pigeon? Marquette? Mackinaw?)" is the title of one of Stevens' songs. This song, and the title itself have been quite significant to me over the past year or two as they offer a sense of searching, hope, and trust that finely encapsulate many emotions I have faced, and continue to face, in my pursuit of God. The beginning verse offers an example:

"Oh God, where are you now?

Oh Lord, hold me now.

There's no other man who can raise the dead,

so do what you can to anoint my head"

The irony in these lyrics really capture the sense of irony in my own distrust of Father God as well as an earnest desire for affirmation or just contact with Him.

As for the title itself, I actually found great meaning it (as nerdy as it may be) when I used "Jesse is in Pickeral Lake? Pigeon? Marquette? Mackinaw?" as a Facebook status. It was this sense of reentering the search for God in His fullest presence (what Jonathan Safran Foer might have Alex call, "our most rigid search" [Everything is Illuminated reference]) that made this list of Michigan towns relevant for the first time.

Now, as far as I know, Sufjan Stevens' only purpose in listing the towns was to incorporate the theme of his "Greetings from Michigan" album with an illustration of searching. However, I found that injecting myself into the search renders something new, something different. All of the sudden I am not only on the path, searching for God, but all the while I realize that the answer to my question is, "yes." It doesn't matter what town I am searching through, yes, He is there. He has been there, arms wide.

So despite my "rigid search" I have only to look into my heart. Is God in Pickeral Lake, Pigeon, Marquette, or Mackinaw? Of course... but why am I looking there? Maybe the question is: where am I?

So that name was the easy part... then came the URL address. I went through a few ideas before settling on "Lost in a cloud" (or 1ostinacloud... lostinacloud was taken, of course). This phrase comes, once again, from Sufjan Stevens, but also from Matthew 17:5, Mark 9:7, and Luke 9:34 (the different accounts of the Transfiguration). In the story, the voice of God comes as Jesus, Peter, James, John, Moses, and Elijah are enveloped by a cloud on the mountaintop. The voice proclaims, "This is my son, whom I love. Listen to him!"

In the refrain of his song entitled, appropriately, "The Transfiguration", Sufjan Stevens sings,

"Lost in the cloud, a voice. Have no fear! We draw near!

Lost in the cloud, a sign. Son of man! Turn your ear.
Lost in the cloud, a voice. Lamb of God! We draw near!
Lost in the cloud, a sign. Son of man! Son of God!"

Thus, the web address "Lost in a cloud"

So what does all this mean? How does this come together as a purpose?

Simply put, I am a searcher.

I am a visitor here, a nomad on earth, and it is my mission to seek the Lord through the clouds and all the towns in Michigan, because the cloud has something to say, and miles traveled in Michigan will only reveal what has been here all along.

So where do I search?

I have learned that to search may not require a single step. There are miles of paths to be traveled in my heart and mind, miles upon miles of paths that I have never ventured down before. There is searching to be done, but it is searching that will never be completed.

I will always be in Pickeral Lake leaving for Mackinaw, I will always be building shelters for Jesus, Moses, and Elijah, not having a clue as to why. But how desperately I hope for the moments when the cloud comes.

For in the cloud, you don't have to look far to find it... all you have to do is listen.

My hope is that this journal be an expression of my "most rigid search" for harmony and relationship with God. Whether it be in Marquette, or lost in a cloud.

Amen.

rick.

He has two missing teeth, whiskey on his breath, and a nose that's clearly seen it's fair share of abuse...
(broken three times by his account)...

He boasts of his strength, of his honesty, and of his love... 
as if you couldn't find each quality lost in his deep, piercing stare... 

He spends his nights under a bridge...
with his family... 
and his family is everything he needs... 

No, he's not related to the members of his family by blood... 
but rather

by love.

He's the guy who takes care of things...
He's the guy who you come to when you're in need...
He gives and gives and refuses to take...

and we think, "we're the one's who are here to give"...
and we think, "we're the one's who are here to "be Jesus"'...
and we think, "we're the one's who have our lives together"...

and we think we're the one's who are easy to love...

but how does Rick love me?

but how does Jesus love me?

I come to talk to these poor, pitiful homeless people who need me to love them. 

These poor, pitiful lost souls who need me to give them something. 

I'll talk until I've had enough, and I'll go back to my dorm and sleep soundly, confident that I've filled by quota for "being Jesus" today because I talked to those poor, pitiful people down under the bridge. 

Man... at least it's not me.

I'll bet those people were glad I came so I could save them from their sorrows. I'll bet they love having me there to be Jesus. I'll bet they've never seen anyone love like I do.


How can they love me?

How can Rick love me?

How can Jesus love me?


I came to give, I came to love, I came to "be Jesus"... but Jesus is under the bridge tonight... and he found it in his heart to love me.

How can Rick love me when I'm going home tonight?

and not just going home, I'm going home to a dorm room with air conditioning, a bed, a blanket, a pillow, at a school my family is paying $22,000 a year to send me too... 
I'll wake up tomorrow when the alarm on my cellphone goes off, walk down the hall and take a shower, when I get back I'll check my e-mail on the computer I spent enough money on to put Rick in an apartment for a couple months, and I'll drive in my nice, new car to a church that is about 5 blocks away from a man who chooses to love me in spite of myself. 

5 blocks away from a man who chooses to love me despite my insincerity.

5 blocks away from a man who chooses to love me despite my depravity.

5 blocks away...

and what have I done to deserve his love?...

nothing.


I would love to give him something...
something he needs, something he wants... anything.

but I can't.

I have nothing to offer.

He has everything he needs...

and I think I have the right to feel superior to anyone...


How could he love me?

How could Rick love me?

How could Jesus love me? 


I met Jesus tonight... and his name is Rick.

He loves me...
and I have no idea why.


Lord, teach me to love.

teach me to love like Rick.

alive.

Hey friends... Just thought I'd send this your way. We meditated over these verses from Matthew 11:28-30 today in my spiritual formation class. It's just a beautiful paraphrase (from The Message) of the translation we're used to. Read over this a few times... listen to Jesus' invitation... take it to heart... embrace the peace you can find in Him.

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

I hope this finds you well, and I hope that our hearts continually open to the beauty and Grace of God. May we remember that the only real life, the only way we can befully alive, is to seek the purpose of God above all other things.

This is my prayer: "Let us be one with Your will, let us strive towards the goals that you have set before us: to love, to forgive, to grow. May we cast aside the chains that bind us to the worn patterns of this world, and fall in step with the unforced rhythms of your grace... so that we may live. I can't wait to be alive, Father. 
You have given me life, now make it yours."

new.

Everyone uses the new year as an excuse to start over, to spark a change they want to see in themselves. We make resolutions about how we are going to act better, live better, and just BE better... But why do we need a change in the date to spark transformation?
What is it about a new year that is so inviting? A fresh start? A new opportunity? Another chance to be who we've always wanted to be? 
We long so desperately for a clean slate, for a renewal of our lives, and above anything, we associate that transformation with a date on the calendar... what a shame.
Do we not realize that our slate is kept continually clean by a God who is calling us to start over, to be new, right now?

Don't get me wrong, if a new year is what you need, or if it helps, to spark a change in you, then that's ok, it's always good to better yourself, but this year, try something new. 
Let your resolution be to constantly accept God's inability to hold your sins against you. Let your resolution be to live every day as a new day. Resolve to challenge yourself every day instead of waiting until the next January 1st. Because just like today is a new day, so will the next and the next. And God is inviting us to a radical transformation. We are new. Today is a new day.

So then, let us resolve to live in mercy, to live in compassion, to love those around us, and let us go out of our way to love. Let us remember that we don't love people because we are good people, but we love people as a response to the incredible, passionate love that we have received.
Let us live in an upside-down Kingdom, where the weak are strong, where the rich are poor.
Lord, teach us how to give as you have given to us.
Teach us how to love as you have loved us.
Lord, we are new.
Today is a new day.